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| Something does not feel quite right.
Granted I am still going through the motions that is life, but perhaps it has not sunk in yet.
That there will be no more gallivanting down to Cafe Ish before the kitchen closes at 2pm to have a moment of silence while the crossword is in progress. That there will be no more late night jaunts to old reliable after late night ball or boxing. That there will be no more walks through the city at night, just because it is nicer so than to take the bus.
For a while, at least.
In hope, I trust that there will still be late night chats to know about the mundane and to laugh over it. That there will be random pop-up boxes with various terms of endearment usually aimed at my generous bottom or my resemblance to a seal. That there will always be comfort when one is in need and ample care for a weary day.
A little melodramatic perhaps for a short stint away.
But, I suppose six weeks seem like a sizable chunk when you've spent the better part of six months with someone day in, day out. Keep busy, ain't no thing but a chicken wing. :)
***
Jia was just asking me if I do resolutions for the year. I thought about it carefully, and said no. I tend not to have particular resolutions for a year. However, I do (and this might be an addiction) enjoy making lists of things. The impulse might pop at the most random of times. Like last week, when I decided to make a list of financial goals I'd like to achieve by 28. Or it could be the most innocuous list of things to buy for dinner this week. Either way, I like to think about how I am as a person at various times during the year. I'd like to think that it's an active process that goes on rather than an annual review. Yesterday, I realised that perhaps I might not be the most patient person I thought I was. I am a lot better than I used to be. But, I suppose I could exercise a bit more tolerance. Especially when it comes to something which I have not quite experienced first-hand.
On another note, I am staring at a possible change in career path sometime early next year. My current work team and culture is fantastic in the sense that, the people that I work with are very nice and I get off at 5 nearly everyday which affords me time for the little luxuries in life such as social basketball and amazing race nights. But, the work scope is not exactly the most exhilirating and I don't really see myself doing this for the next few years. Given that I have given myself a shelf life in the corporate world, I would like to do a myriad of things which challenge and excite me on a daily basis. I would probably have to give up quiet weekday nights and cooking dinners, but hopefully at the expense of something more rewarding. I would still like to be playing a lot of basketball. The past year, I have really bonded with the girls I am playing with and have found some really amazing people who enjoy the game of basketball as much as I do. It would be a shame to give that up, really. Either way, the application has been submitted, so fingers crossed that good news comes by my way sometime next week or the week after.
***
Spoke to the guy at the stores today while buying a beanie for Europe and some new laces for my vintage Onitsukas who was coincidentally from London. Got into a conversation about some very very stylish looking Nixon ear buds that was behind the counter and got sidetracked into London and Europe, in general. He said, "It'd be an expensive lil' trip there". I was inclined to disagree at first, until I got home and started totting up the numbers with Jia. It looks to be at least AUD2500-3000 for accommodation, transportation, food and shopping for Europe alone. Hello credit card.
***
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| The world works in funny ways.
I feel like the lady who sued McDonalds for not warning her of the hot contents of her McCoffee which she precariously slotted between her thighs. I seem to have left common sense at the window for the moment.
Or so I thought.
I honestly find it hard to see where this road will lead. But then again, that has never stopped me before. As broken as my heart was a few months ago, I seem to be rather careless with this fragile possession of mine. Most people perceive the stoic me as having an iron fist and a heart of equal strength.
The heart is a funny thing. At times, it can be the warrior you need it to be. Others, it is a lost child in need of direction and guidance. Sometimes, it is the puzzle that has been knocked apart that needs time to be fixed again. Only to be taken apart. Again and again.
This post probably makes little sense right now considering my long drawn battle with a pesky virus. But, I always stand by the fact that the heart knows best. And, my heart is telling me I need to find the wow in everything. Something that I have neglected to do, which I have prided myself on being consistently persistent at.
It's time to bring it.
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| The past two days have been a marathon of quelling doubts.
Doubts that surface when I wake up before my alarm and fail to sleep.
When the mornings are the hardest to get up, I need to dig in that little extra.
Work has been suffering a tad because of my lack of good sleep followed by these crackling headaches.
All alleviated when I get my daily dose of good chat.
My nights are what I look forward to. That helps me get up and suit up.
Muchas gracias.
I have a dream. | | |
| Today was a good day. Relative to yesterday, any outcome bar a painful death would have been a winner.
As I touch my forehead against the cool edge of the bathroom door frame, I savour the cool sensation that travels through me. Recollecting the day, and slowly willing myself to finish the night.
I managed to focus on work for the most part of today save for a few drops when I read a good friend's email. My colleagues were remarking that I looked tired today. In fact, Wendy said I looked different today. "Must be the glasses, your face looks smaller without it." I wanted to tell her that it was probably my non-existent irises peeking out from behind the puffiness that was causing this illusion.
The walk home is always treacherous. Most days, it provides respite from the hustle as I take to the quieter streets, pondering on my day, reveling in the calm. Today, it was a walk down memory lane. It was honestly, a memorable summer. Most days seem the same, yet they were distinctively lined with their own identity. Teaching how to cook rice to failed microwaved experiments. Long walks along Rushcutters Bay. Chess games at just about anywhere. Long nights satisfying our curiosity for more Survivor. My first times at Christmas at the Domain and watching the NYE fireworks.
I enjoy this run of nostalgia. Until the very end, when I realize that this run has finished. That's when I had to take a deep breath, and rest my head against the cool surface for comfort.
For the strength to start a new ending.
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| The logical and rational side of me knows that everything is alright. That he really does care. Cares so much that he does not want things to end badly because he still wants us to be talking. Cares so much that he will take the time to guide me, baby steps, even though he is dealing with it himself as well.
The emotional side of me is going haywire at the moment.
I wake up and stare at the ceiling. I hug my Moby seal. It still smells familiar.
Every decent conversation I try to have, I combust. I cry buckets before heading out the door. I wear glasses in hope that they will conceal my puffy eyes.
I talk to people at work and try not to show my Rudolph nose.
My voice quiver at the mere mention of the topic. Everyone has their two cents on it, even the ghetto American cab driver who said we were just "hanging" and that it just ain't he right time.
I can tell myself a million times it will be alright. But, it's not. How can it be. For, something that is so dear to me has just been wrenched from me in an afternoon. I am reeling from shock. I crumple in corners. Tears stream without warning.
Every other thing that I see reminds me of our moments. I do not hate them, nor do I throw them. Because, these are sweet memories that I savour as if it were just yesterday.
There will be tomorrow. And tomorrow will be a difficult day to wake up to. But somehow, I will. I will cry. I will smile at my boss. And I will cry again before I go to sleep. But, I am much stronger than that. Even though it is not okay, somehow, in the long-run, it will be. If the rivers flow together to the sea, maybe one day, our boats will touch again. If they don't, it was a pretty good ride. A pretty damn good ride.
***
Thank you so much to everyone. I will be okay.
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